Dec. 13, 2013

Hi, my name is Anonymous, and as you can tell from my pic… I’m a dog… well, to be accurate – a bitch – dog refers to the male of our species, and to call me that is somewhat sexist (sort of like calling collective humanity… well, mankind). But I’ll permit it here in the interest of patience and expediency.

I see more than you think I do… and you can do more than you think you can (but no lectures, I promise). Wow. OK, that’s a crap-load, but it’s really just the tip of the turdberg. Additionally, since we’re just getting started, and there’s much ground to cover (with lotsa stuff to step in), I thought I’d get the heavy lifting out of the way right up front. And now that I have you tantalized (to some extent I hope)… well… unfortunately we’re going to have to continue the discussion later, because it’s Friday, and my master (AKA: Da Mistah , the boss, Dude* ) must prepare for Shabbat, and can’t help me with the translation** until afterward. So, enough of me for now – I shall return. Meanwhile: “Be well, do good work and keep in touch.” (I got that from Garrison Keillor). I do hope you’ll be back.

* Da Mistah is who he is; the boss is how he acts; Dude is, well… my human (yep, I own him)

**He does the translation: We’re both new at this, but I communicate to him, and he deciphers the message and converts it into text. Annoyingly, he sometimes edits what I tell him… he says it makes more sense his way, and that he’s not changing the meaning… but I think I’m going to have to train him (whose blog is it anyway?)… and in the interim I’ll be (somewhat) tolerant of his errors, and however appalling this is to me, I must realize that, as deficient as he is, I have little choice because I have no fingers with which to type the letters, and no thumbs with which to hit the space bar. Grrr. It’s OK though, we’ll figure it out – he’ll come around (besides the way the cosmos is set up, he’s the master anyhoo – so there’s not much a’do about it).

Awright – more later

Yours truly,

Anonymous Bitch

Dec. 26, 2013

Well, we had an uneventful, and somewhat pleasant Xmas – I say somewhat because Da Mistah left me behind (with treats thankfully) while he went to visit & celebrate the baby Jesus, which I don’t understand anyway, because he’s Jewish. What up w’dat? OK, so he tells me that his family celebrates the baby Jesus, and he still loves them and doesn’t want to deny them his presence… 😉 , or presents (ha ha – to the the kids), or seem disrespectful, and he wants to see them, so he goes… He says he doesn’t actually celebrate Xmas [fyi – he’s the one typing the ‘X’ – I couldn’t give a rats arse less whether he ‘celebrates’ or X’s or not (but I would like to go, so I can beg some of that excellent chow, and at these functions, it’s soooo easy)], he just likes being with loved ones, and so tolerates the holiday in the interest of the greater good. Whatever… And I so wanted to go, but he had this warped frickin’ reasoning as to why I couldn’t (I think it was mostly because it would inconvenience the humans – WTH – what part of cute do they not get – I am hugely adorable. So what if I jump on people and knock stuff over…?), and so he refused to take me. Well I barked a bit when he left, but eventually took my compensatory treats (mmm chicken jerky), and made do… and then later made doo, but not in the house – (as Mistah says) “…that dawg poo bidness don’t hunt around here…”, & I love hunting.

Now I’m going to ask y’all to be a bit accommodating of me (actually with da Mistah – el jefe) for a while, as I work with dude on translation here, because he simply does not understand how the female mind or the canine mind works (actually he understands the dog part somewhat…), and I’m sure some things are being misrepresented in either style or substance. But, you see, we ought to cut him a break, since – because he not only has to translate canine, but fem as well, and he’s not very well-versed in either (but I’m teaching him both, and am confident that he’ll make progress) and it’s hard for him, and would be difficult for any male, we must forebear… And we can all have some fun along the way (maybe some at Mistah’s expense, but not too much) – especially if you participate. You bet, I’ll to listen to what you got… There’s an old saying “… in your patience possess ye your souls.” Now I wish vets (and for the boss’ sake, doctors) would heed (the auditory version of) that. OK, so I’m (well, Mistah is) running a little behind schedule, so I have (he has) to get off the computer right now. Don’t know when I’ll get back, but I’ll catch you soon (and I promise that when I do, I won’t bite you on your arse – I’m a lab – we don’t roll that way). Bye for now,

Yours truly,

Anonymous Bitch

March 18, 2014

The Bitch is back! Something I neglected to tell you about me: I’m a puppy. Yeah, I’m like 10 months old. This is only significant because of what happened a couple weeks ago. I got my period. Yeah, I’m now a bona fide bitch. Well, the bone part ain’t got here yet, but you know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.  The genus Canidae is fortunate in that regard, because for the most part we bitches don’t have to put up with all that sexual harassment between heats – we can just growl ‘em off. Now I understand some of you humans might take issue with that being propitious, but trust me… for dogs it’s a good thing we bitches decide when it happens – and otherwise… well you want to talk about persistence? Dogs are persistent!

Mistah kept me pretty sequestered for a couple of weeks, and that’s probably a good thing, because even in dogs, teenage pregnancy is a bad idea. Nonetheless, I’ll never be the same. I’m a real bitch now. I remember after I’d been hormone wrestling for a couple of days, and it was all so new – those feelings and urges – I couldn’t restrain myself anymore and ran away… looking for Mr. Goodcarrot. Right through the invisible fence, for which I normally have huge respect. Dude came and got me before anything happened, but I could not check myself. Bring it stud! After that he kept me locked up, except to do my bidness, and visits to a couple of friends who, though clipped, still tried to hump me. I must be one sexy bitch. Ha!

OK, Dude’s tellin’ me he’s done for now, & I gotta go, so… later… Peace – out.

Yours truly,

Anonymous Bitch